Home Isn't Home Anymore

So for those of you that don't know... I am from Minnesota. I moved to New York about two years ago. I came home for Christmas and it is great seeing family but I am not going to lie... I am struggling. I haven't been to Minnesota for a year and the last time I was here I buried my grandmother. Last time I was home I had a place to stay at the lake house.

My parents sold the lake house in June, because me and my sister barely come home anymore. That house had so many GREAT memories and zero bad memories. It felt like my safe zone almost. The house where I had my first boyfriend, my first sip of alcohol, my first prom, where all my friends would come in the summertime and do backflips off the pontoon, where me and my dad would hang out on the boat and he'd pull me water skiing. I never got to say bye to the house, to my friends on the lake, to the swing I built with my dad, to the fire pit that my cousin would play his guitar at while we watched the fireworks on the forth of july, to my bedroom that was painted the wrong shade of blue.

So my parents are currently living in a tiny rental house because they are building their dream house that was supposed to be done by now. I am so so so excited for their new house to be done, maybe coming home will feel like home again. I get my own room, bathroom, and walk in closet. Maybe then my sister will come to Minnesota ever???? Oh yeah my sister hates coming to Minnesota. So that also makes me feel even more lonely being here.

In 2019, when I moved back to Minnesota from Los Angeles I was diagnosed with PTSD almost right away. St. Cloud, Minnesota is a trigger for me(and honestly my only trigger lol), which is why I am always on the run. Why I moved to Paris, LA, and NYC. I can't be here. It hurts me but my lake house always made me feel safe, being in New York (believe it or not) makes me feel safe.

Also, since moving to Manhattan I have changed, I have become a stronger more confident person. I feel like I have outgrown this place. It is hard coming here from someplace that makes me feel so happy every single day that I wake up.

Every single time I leave New York, I get reassured that I am meant to be there.

I am honestly so proud of my parents for doing this. I am all about do literally wtevr mks u happy. And this is what makes them happy! I am so fortunate to spend quality time with them and be able to come home when others weren't able to go home for the holidays. I am very fortunate of what and who I have in my life, but I just wanted to be honest and share how I am feeling. But it's just a little hard dealing with so much change and not feeling at home.

k love you bye